First posted on 12 July 2002 ~ The calm.

I am just beginning to feel the guilt, and I know eventually, it will become almost too hard to bear: have I been so bad a person, with my temper and lack of maternal instinct?

And then I keep reminding myself to see and recognise that this is not just about me.

Perhaps we are not as compatible as I thought we were. He might be what I want, but I am not what he wants. He is "the one". But I am not "the one" - whether or not another woman has come onto the scene. She is merely the catalyst - though I despise her for making full use of the "opportunity".

Perhaps he is just unsure of me, and I should not compromise being with someone who is unsure of me. Why else has he so readily opened his heart to another?

I can only do so much to make him happy, and if that is still not enough, I don't think I need try any harder, nor any longer.

"Well more like he look for reasons to justify why he's created this situation, so blame your temper and life choices."

"He's just looking for justification. Unfortunately, it's at the expense of your ego. But it happens a lot."

"You don't have to think about it. You either love or you don't. If you have to think, then at the most you just think you love. If you do love, you feel it."

Maybe he has never loved me, or has stopped loving me. And I was too blind to realise. I have also thought about my love for him, and how ready I would be to "explore", even during those 10 days of "cold war" - but I've eventually looked away from the other men I was interested in because I loved him more, and I was ready to give up the possibly better potentials out there to be with what I already know I want. If he's unsure, then I am not "the one". He either knows or he doesn't. He doesn't need to think about it that long.

I have begun to think what happens if he eventually decides to get back together.

He is taking time off to think about whether he can live with what I am. And he has decided not to go out with the other woman but he might still talk to her.

My instinct and my heart wants things to go back to what they have been.

And then I think and somewhere deep inside, an as yet unaddressed fear: what if this now becomes his ready escape each time he is unhappy with me? Or that he won't AGAIN doubt "We" or question his love for me? Nobody can assure that would never happen, sadly, not even him. Who can tell the future?

And would he continue to see her? That would be another major thing I have to consider before deciding whether I *too* can have him back in my life. If he wants to continue the "friendship", I will know only that this is a no-brainer: he is not ready and I am not "the one".

I hope that he is merely "lost", and after 2 weeks, he will find his love for me again. I shall not need to hear whether he can live with my temper or life choices. I shall only need to hear him say he is back because he does love me. If he does love me, there won't be any talk about my temper or life choices. If he does love me, I shouldn't even have to ask him not to change his mind or to stop seeing her, because if he does love me, he will do what his heart knows is right.

I may seem calm now, but I know the storm is coming. It hasn't sunk in yet.

"2 weeks" is a long time. How am I going to make it through the end of the month?

Time has never passed more slowly - when there is nothing to look forward to. It used to be that the nights would pass too soon, and yet tonight, a game of Warcraft ends too soon, and I am left staring at the clock, wondering why time passes so slow. A life left without meaning.

I reach for the pillow, where he has left his scent during his last night here. I want to change my sheets, but can't bear to part with his scent. And I remember that he has never been as enthusiastic about my scent or to snuggle up to me - he has always preferred to play with the bears. Have I been that blind? And I remember the "in the clouds" look in his eyes as he told me that she had long hair, was "OK"-looking (read: not just OK), "OK"-figure (read: not just OK), and had same sense of humour "as me". Was I too deluded to not recognise that "in love" look on his face that I now remember having seen 6 years ago?

Starting to pack his things and "our" things away. Perhaps I hope to lessen the pain and hurt when it eventually comes. Strange that I still don't hurt as much as I thought I would be by now - am I still in denial? As I packed, I hoped I would cry hard enough and "get it over with", but the tears are mere trickles...for now.

If you come back, come back because you love me - not because you can "accept" me.